This is the first part of a three-part series on a response Tom Johnson gave to a young woman about to be married seeking marriage advice. (Tom Johnson was married for 57 years before losing his wife recently.)
Several years ago, the daughter of good friends became engaged and came to me and asked if I would provide some thoughts about what makes a good marriage. At the time, my wife and I had been married for more than 50 years and she wanted some advice before she tied the knot. Every couple of weeks over the next 4 or 5 months I would send her a “tip” on what I thought was important to build a relationship and a marriage that was for life. This list is certainly not exhaustive but are highlights of things that have worked for us.
MAKE DINNER AN EVENT
From the time you first get married, and continuing throughout your marriage, you are going to be busy and may have precious little time to truly be together. Dinner provides the absolute best opportunity to enjoy each other’s company. The dinner itself is not as important as the environment. It can be a pizza or a gourmet meal but set the stage.
- Turn your phones off and park them in another room
- Turn the TV off
- Turn the lights down and light a couple of candles (extra credit for this one)
- When dinner is ready, sit down at the table, relax, enjoy the meal and enjoy each other’s company
- Soft music in the background is always a nice touch
- When you have finished eating, continue to enjoy each other’s company at the table without outside distractions
- This becomes more important if you have children. Life becomes even more hectic, and sitting down as a family will teach kids that family time is important.
BE EACH OTHER’S BIGGEST FAN
When you first get married each person comes to the marriage with scads of friends, and your circle of friends will only grow bigger.
Every once in a while, step back and look at your spouse from the perspective of your friends, to see all of the good things they see in them.
Know that no one else on earth will be closer to you than your spouse. No one. Celebrate that and don’t be afraid to sing each other’s praises. Be proud of the person you married and tell each other - and others - how lucky you are.
DATE NIGHT
Listen up because this is a biggie. Few tips are more important than date night.
Everyone will always remember their first date and the excitement that it brought. It's easy over the years to forget to go out with each other and have a real date.
By date, I mean only the two of you. Dinner with friends does not constitute a date; going to a party isn't a date, and I would argue that going to a movie isn't a real date since you sit in silence for two hours totally unable to communicate.
Go out to dinner, sit down, take a breath and totally enjoy being with each other without other distractions. This is a REAL DATE!
Even better, plan ahead and ask each other out for a specific night. Know that on that evening you are going to be alone.
You will be surprised how this keeps the romance burning in a marriage.
Tom Johnson is a Northsider.
