YOU ASKED: Is agreeing to be in a side relationship with a married person or a person you know is already in a relationship self-abuse?
WE RESPONDED: Self-abuse is not always physical. It can be emotional or psychological such as repeatedly accepting situations that diminish one’s self-worth, value, or happiness. If being in this position leads to pain, insecurity, or feeling ‘less than,’ then it might be reflecting on why one is accepting that dynamic.
Let’s examine some of the suggested why’s? Why would someone knowingly enter into a relationship that requires them to be a secret and second? Some perspectives suggest that low self-esteem may lead individuals to accept the role of mistress or side chick. For example, author Andrea C. Imafidon notes that many who become side pieces may struggle with self-love and self-respect, leading them to settle for less than they deserve. Similarly, relationship coach Stephan Labossiere points out that low self-esteem can drive individuals to accept being a side chick, as they might feel unworthy of a full, committed relationship. Once again low self-esteem seems to be the culprit in the personal account by an anonymous individual who shared that due to low self-esteem and a desperate need for validation, she engaged in a relationship with a married man for twelve years before God convicted her and restored her self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect.
Low self-esteem often stems from negative experiences, particularly during childhood, such as bullying, neglect, or abuse, which can lead to internalized feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. It also appears to be the root of all forms of domestic violence and abuse whether it is physical, emotional, mental, financial, and/or sexual. Unfortunately, if self-esteem is not addressed as a root cause of abuse for both the abuser and abused, it is much more likely to perpetuate again and again.
There may be some who feel content with the role of mistress and who may not see it as self-abuse. However, if deep down inside they desire exclusivity, respect, or emotional fulfilment that they are not receiving, then it is not only emotional and mental self-abuse, but also a form of self-betrayal and/or self-neglect.
If you would like to contribute to this conversation or ask a question to be presented in a future article, email us at NoMoreDVorAbuse@gmail.com.
NEXT WEEK: Can an abuser change?
