By Cheryl
Featherstone,
Ed.S. Domestic Violence
Victims’ Advocate
YOU ASKED: My son was getting bullied in middle school as neither teacher nor school administrators could keep him safe. I had to take on a part-time job after work on weekdays and private bartending gigs on the weekends to pay for his private school; but it still wasn’t enough. My boyfriend saw me struggling and began helping me financially with bills. The only thing is that every time there is a disagreement, he reminds me of what he’s doing financially and throws it up in my face constantly. I appreciate the help and thank him often for everything he does. I’ve also told him how it makes me feel when he’s constantly reminding me. He wants to move in with us to help more as we’ve been dating for almost three years now. However, I feel mentally abused. Is this mental, emotional, or some type of psychological abuse? Wouldn’t it just get worse if he moved in? I’d rather break up with him and struggle alone.
WE ANSWERED:
What you're describing is a form of emotional or psychological abuse. When someone consistently uses your financial dependence as leverage during disagreements, especially after you've already expressed how it makes you feel, that's not support, that's control disguised as help. For example, these are the key red flags from what you shared:
1. Using financial help as a weapon and reminding you of his contributions during conflicts undermines your autonomy and dignity. It creates a power imbalance; you're being made to feel like you owe him emotionally or relationally for financial support.
2. Disregarding your boundaries although you've communicated how it makes you feel. If he truly respected you, he’d have adjusted his behavior. Emotional safety is just as vital as physical safety in a relationship.
3. His actions suggest that his help is not unconditional, but manipulation through guilt. If support comes with strings, it's not generosity, it's manipulation.
4. There are escalation risks if he moves into your home. If he is controlling while you still have your own space, moving in could intensify that dynamic. You’d lose a layer of separation that currently gives you breathing room. It often becomes harder to set or enforce boundaries when living together.
Trust your instincts. You said: "I’d rather break up with him and struggle alone." That is a clear and powerful inner truth speaking. Struggling alone is hard but doing it in peace and self-respect is often healthier than being in a relationship that chips away at your mental well-being.
Your strength is already showing. You’ve protected your son, sacrificed for him, and you're still standing. You don't need someone who reminds you of your hardship; you need someone who lifts you up without asking you to shrink in return.
I'm here and so many other advocates like me are here to help you talk through the next steps if you want to move toward independence or talk more about what leaving this relationship might look like.
If anyone would like to chime in on this discussion or ask any question about domestic violence, abuse, or healthy relationships, email us at NoMoreDVorAbuse@ourhousevoices.com
NEXT WEEK: My husband’s mother still introduces him to women and even tries to get my husband and these women out on solo outings together. Is it my place to confront her about this?
