YOU ASKED: My boyfriend for a little over a year agrees I love him more than he loves me. He does treat me so nicely and reassures me that he does love me and wouldn’t want anyone else. What can I do to make things better? Do I need to distance myself and try to love him less? Am I overthinking and is this not that big of an issue? I feel clingy and I don’t want him to leave. Help...I need your advice.
WE ANSWERED:
Let me first assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way. Relationship imbalances, especially regarding emotional investment, can be confusing and painful. Here is my attempt to address each of your concerns mentioned in your question:
1. Loving More Doesn’t Mean Loving Wrong: It’s not necessarily a red flag that you love him more if the relationship is healthy. Love isn’t always perfectly symmetrical, and sometimes one person is more expressive or emotionally available than the other. But that difference shouldn’t leave you feeling anxious, insecure, or afraid of being abandoned.
Ask yourself:
• Does he consistently show up for me in ways that matter?
• When he says he loves me, do his actions match his words?
• Is there open, honest communication especially when I feel insecure?
If yes, then the relationship might be safe, but your self-worth and sense of security might need some attention.
2. Don’t Try to Love Him Less
Trying to “love less” often turns into emotional suppression, resentment, or simply playing games, and none of that builds intimacy or a healthy relationship. The goal isn’t to shrink your love; it’s to anchor it in self-respect. If you feel clingy, that’s a cue to turn some energy inward and ask: What part of me feels unsafe? Where do I need reassurance from myself, not just him?
3. You Might Be Overthinking, But That Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Valid
Overthinking is your mind’s way of trying to find control in an area that feels uncertain. But instead of spiraling in your head, try grounding your fears in real conversations with him:
• “When we talk about who loves who more, I feel a little unsteady. I know you care, but it leaves me wondering if I’m too much or not enough. Can we talk about it?”
4. Clinginess Often Comes from a Fear of Loss
Feeling clingy doesn’t make you weak. It often comes from a place of fearing rejection or feeling like your love isn’t secure. The fix isn’t to chase his love harder or pull away; it’s to build your emotional self-trust and stability within the relationship.
Some suggestions:
• Talk to him gently but honestly about how that comment (that you love him more) affects you.
• Build your emotional independence: reconnect with friends, passions, and confidence outside the relationship.
• Affirm your worth: You are enough, as you are. Love is not a competition or scale to balance perfectly.
• Set boundaries with yourself: Don’t sacrifice your peace trying to earn or equal out someone’s love.
If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, he’ll want to understand how to help you feel more secure. And if your love is safe, it should feel like you can both be vulnerable without fear of losing each other.
If anyone would like to chime in on this discussion or ask any questions about domestic violence, abuse, or healthy relationships, email us at NoMoreDVorAbuse@ourhousevoices.com
NEXT WEEK: I need help. I am trying to leave a really bad situation with kids who will be leaving with me. Financial abuse has played a huge role in this. What did you do to save money on the hush hush to be able to gain your footing to leave? Literally, the only thing I have to my name is a car. I have no family and no friends. I’ve lost everything and everyone in this relationship. I cannot do it anymore.
