YOU ASKED: My daughter wants me to keep her kids when she checks in at a domestic violence shelter in July, which is the beginning part of her plan to get out of her abusive marriage.
She feels her abusive husband won’t harass me about having my grandchildren because he wouldn’t have anyone else to keep them while he’s at work. Will I have any rights as a grandparent if he tries to come and get the kids while she’s hiding out at a domestic violence shelter and working on trying to get her life back?
WE ANSWERED: Thank you so much for your question, and first, let me say how incredibly brave your daughter is for making the difficult decision to leave an abusive marriage. That takes more strength than most people can imagine. Your willingness to step in and care for your grandchildren during this time speaks volumes about your love and support, not only for her, but for their safety and well-being, too.
As a domestic violence survivor and advocate, I know how complex and terrifying these situations can become, especially when children are involved. You’re right to think about your rights and protection. While I’m not an attorney, I can offer some practical guidance and insight, as well as recommend your next steps.
In most states, grandparents don’t automatically have custody or legal rights unless they’re granted them by a court. If your daughter has legal custody of the children (and not joint custody with her husband), she can leave the children in your care and make that decision as their parent. However, if there is joint custody or no formal custody agreement in place, the abusive husband could legally try to take them even without your daughter’s consent.
Talk to a family law attorney or legal aid organization as soon as possible to explore a temporary guardianship or custody agreement. Some courts allow emergency temporary custody or a notarized temporary guardianship form, which can help establish your right to care for them and protect them from being taken.
Many domestic violence shelters can connect survivors and families with free or low-cost legal support. Encourage your daughter to ask about this when she enters the shelter.
Devise a safety plan. Even if he doesn't typically bother you, abusers can be unpredictable when they begin to lose control. Be aware of that possibility and create a safety plan for yourself and the children.
Caring for children in the middle of a high-conflict and dangerous situation can take a toll emotionally and physically. Make sure you also have support whether it's a local DV support group, a counselor, or trusted friends and family.
In closing, you are doing something deeply important. Your role in helping your daughter escape and rebuild her life is not just logistical, it’s lifesaving. But don’t carry it all alone. Get legal guidance, build a support system, and keep prioritizing safety at every step. This is not just about custody; it’s about protection, healing, and freedom.
NEXT WEEK: I found out one of my closest friend’s husbands is having an affair with my coworker’s niece.
My coworker insists I am not a good friend because I don’t want to tell her. I feel he will eventually get caught, and I can just be there for her when she does find out.
Am I obligated to tell her, or can I just stay out of it like I would prefer to? I’m feeling bad and confused as her friend.
