YOU ASKED:
I think I’ve discovered a new form of domestic abuse, where the abuser doesn’t directly abuse you, but he encourages others or allows others to abuse the victim while he plays nice, oblivious or innocent. Is that something I’ve discovered, or is that something that’s been discussed before?
WE ANSWERED:
As a domestic-violence survivor and someone who studies these dynamics closely, let me tell you this: what you’re describing is very real, and it has absolutely been discussed, just not nearly enough.
There is a form of abuse where the abuser doesn’t put his own hands on the destruction. Instead, he encourages others to mistreat you, or he simply steps back and allows it, all while he plays innocent, gentle, or confused. He gets to keep his reputation clean while you take the hits. In advocacy circles, we call this abuse by proxy, delegated abuse, or coercive control through third parties, but survivors often discover it long before they ever learn the terminology.
It’s one of the most manipulative and insidious forms of abuse because the abuser remains “the nice guy” on the surface. And when outsiders do the dirty work for him, you start questioning yourself: Is this really abuse? Am I overreacting? Why is everyone coming at me? That self-doubt is exactly what the abuser counts on.
When a partner:
• lets others disrespect you,
• shares information that paints you in a negative light,
• stands by silently while the attacks happen,
• or privately enjoys the chaos he allowed …
He is not innocent. He is participating. So, no you didn’t imagine this, and you didn’t invent it. But you absolutely described with clarity what many survivors never find words for. What you’ve identified is a legitimate, documented, and deeply harmful pattern of domestic abuse. And sometimes the most dangerous abuser in the room is the one who lets everyone else do the talking.
If anyone would like to chime in on this discussion or ask any questions about domestic violence, abuse, and/or healthy relationship matters, email us at NoMoreDVorAbuse@ourhousevoices.com We look forward to your feedback.
If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse in a relationship or needs help now, you’re not alone, and there’s a plan we can build today. Seek support, contact Our House, Inc. at 1-833-279-LOVE; NoMoreDVorAbuse.org; National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or text START to 88788.
NEXT WEEK:
I have an ultimatum date in my head that I haven’t shared with my live-in boyfriend of almost five years. We get along fine and it’s a peaceful living arrangement, but I want to be a wife. If he hasn’t proposed by December 31st, I’m leaving as a promise to myself for my own self-respect. Do you think I should share my ultimatum date with him, or just follow-through and prepare to leave?
