YOU ASKED: (Ripped straight from social media) Would it be appropriate for a woman in a relationship to have a casual lunch date with a male classmate visiting the city?
WE ANSWERED: As a domestic violence survivor, advocate, and someone who has spent years studying relationship dynamics, I approach questions like this with both compassion and clarity. On the surface, a casual lunch with a classmate may sound harmless. And in some relationships, with strong boundaries, full transparency, and mutual agreement, opposite-sex friendships can exist in healthy ways. But the deeper question is not “Can a woman do this?” It’s “Is this wise, protective of my relationship, and emotionally safe?”
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned both personally and professionally is that intent is not the only thing that matters; perception, emotional boundaries, and the other person’s intent matter too. I often share this from my own life: I once had a male friend I genuinely believed was just that, a friend. Years later, he confessed that he had always liked me. I was genuinely shocked. I had no clue. No inappropriate conversations. No flirtation on my part. No emotional entanglement. And yet, something quite different was being harbored on the other side.
That experience changed how I view innocent connections. It taught me that you don’t always know what someone else is carrying toward you. Attraction can be silent. Motives can be unspoken. Emotional doors can be open on one side and closed on the other, and that imbalance alone can create vulnerability.
From a healthy-relationships standpoint, I encourage women to ask themselves:
• Does this honor my partner and protect my relationship?
• Would I be completely comfortable if the roles were reversed?
• Is my partner aware and truly at peace with this?
• Am I maintaining emotional, conversational, and situational boundaries?
• Could this create unnecessary confusion, temptation, or access?
I also believe a true friend wants to help you protect your relationship, not knowingly or unknowingly test it. A genuine male friend should be comfortable around both of you. He should welcome your significant other, not avoid them. In fact, the healthiest dynamic is one where your partner is invited, included, and respected because real friendship doesn’t need secrecy, exclusivity, or special access.
As a survivor, I am mindful that many harmful relationships don’t begin in dark alleys; they begin at lunch tables. They often start with comfort, familiarity, emotional access, and the slow erosion of boundaries. So, is it allowed? That’s not for social media to decide. But is it wise, transparent, and relationship-protective? That’s the standard I hold.
In closing, healthy relationships don’t just avoid wrongdoing; they avoid unnecessary risk. They choose clarity, protection, and wisdom over confusion. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your relationship is decline a seat at a table that doesn’t need to be set. In other words, if your significant other voices concern of any kind and you care about the relationship you’re building, you don’t gamble with it. You don’t test it. You don’t position yourself in ways that could cause doubt, discomfort, or questions about your loyalty. No lunch, conversation, or connection is worth risking the trust it took years to build.
I can honestly say this: the way I protect my husband’s heart is by consistently thinking about perception, not just mine, but his. How something may make him feel. How it may make him look. How it could be interpreted by others. Not simply because he is a public figure, but because I genuinely care about him. I care about his peace. I care about his covering. I care about our marriage. And because of that, I choose choices that guard him, not ones that require him to be strong enough to tolerate. That is what love does. It doesn’t ask, “Am I allowed?” It asks, “Is this protective?” And then it moves accordingly.
If anyone would like to chime in on this discussion or ask any questions about domestic violence, abuse, and/or healthy relationship matters, email us @ NoMoreDVorAbuse@ourhousevoices.com We look forward to your feedback.
If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse in a relationship or needs help now, you’re not alone, and there’s a plan we can build today. Seek support, contact Our House, Inc. at 1-833-279-LOVE; NoMoreDVorAbuse.org; National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or text START to 88788.
Next week:
I am a hair stylist. That’s literally how I make my living. My man asked me if I could do some boho braids in his daughter’s hair. I told him my prices start at $300 and that he would need to go on my website and book like everyone else. This man laughed in my face and asked why are you treating me like a client. He then threw in my face that he pays all the bills including my booth rent. I reminded him that I am not one of these girls doing wife things on a girlfriend title, so yes, he needs to pay me to do his child’s hair. Do you think I’m wrong?
