YOU ASKED: My friend is in denial. Is there a survey I can share with her to take to help her determine if she is in an abusive relationship before she marries him? Or what are some questions to consider when determining if you may be involved in an abusive relationship?
WE ANSWERED:
It is wise and caring of you to want to help your friend reflect on her relationship before making such a life-changing decision. Many people in abusive relationships struggle to recognize the signs, especially when emotional manipulation or psychological abuse is involved. There are validated and accessible screening tools designed to help people assess relationship health. You could suggest one of these:
1. "Are You in an Abusive Relationship?" Quiz by The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Website: www.thehotline.org (This quiz is brief, confidential, and trauma-informed. It covers emotional, physical, sexual, and financial abuse indicators.)
2. One Love Foundation: Relationship Health Assessment
Website: www.joinonelove.org (Their resources help people evaluate whether their relationship is healthy, unhealthy, or abusive.)
If she is willing to talk openly or answer some questions privately, here are 15 core questions that can help her reflect:
Emotional Abuse & Control
Does your partner criticize, humiliate, or belittle you, especially in private or public?
Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid making them upset?
Has your partner ever made you feel stupid, worthless, or crazy?
Are they jealous, possessive, or overly controlling (e.g., who you talk to, what you wear, how you spend money)?
Isolation
Have you distanced yourself from friends or family because your partner disapproves or makes it difficult?
Does your partner discourage or prevent you from pursuing your own interests, career, or education?
Manipulation or Gaslighting
Do they deny things they have said or done, even when you have proof?
Do you often feel confused or question your memory or judgment after arguments?
Escalation & Anger
Does your partner have unpredictable outbursts of anger or rage? Have they ever thrown things, punched walls, or physically intimidated you—even if they have not hit you?
Sexual & Physical Boundaries
Have they pressured you into sexual activity when you did not want to?
Have they ever physically hurt you, even “accidentally” or “in the heat of the moment”?
Financial or Digital Control
Do they control or monitor your spending, phone, email, or social media accounts?
Do you feel like your independence is slowly eroding?
Gut Feeling
Do you feel anxious or fearful at the thought of confronting them about something?
Do you feel less like yourself since being in the relationship?
If you are worried that she will resist or become defensive, you might say something like:
“I found this relationship quiz online and it really made me think about what is healthy or not. Want to take it together, just for fun?” This keeps the focus less accusatory and might encourage reflection without confrontation.
Thank you for submitting. I hope this helps. Please keep us updated. We would like to know if this was helpful and how did it go.
If you would like to chime in on this discussion or ask any question about domestic violence, abuse, or healthy relationships, email us at NoMoreDVorAbuse@gmail.com.
NEXT WEEK: My son was getting bullied in middle school as neither teacher nor school administrators could keep him safe. I had to take on a part-time job after work on weekdays and private bartending gigs on the weekends to pay for his private school; but it still wasn’t enough. My boyfriend saw me struggling and began helping me financially with bills.
The only thing is that every time there is a disagreement, he reminds me of what he’s doing financially and throws it up in my face constantly. I appreciate the help and thank him often for everything he does.
I’ve also told him how it makes me feel when he’s constantly reminding me.
He wants to move in with us to assist more as we’ve been dating for almost three years now.
However, I feel mentally abused. Is this mental, emotional, or some type of psychological abuse? Wouldn’t it just get worse if he moved in? I’d rather break up with him and struggle alone.
