It is sometimes most disheartening to have an old soul.
It is like a mourning for things you never had and for people you never knew. An old soul trudges around inside a younger body reminding it that it is lonesome.
For with an old soul comes loneliness. For me, Loneliness is a faithful companion.
He never leaves, even when I am not alone.
He was there at my birth and I don't know how to ask him politely to leave. So we endure this life together.
He is not a bad sort of fellow. He is just very persistent at reminding me that his best friend Depression is there with him.
That is who I really loath.
That is who gives me the impression that having an old soul is wrong, and different, and being lonely is the equivalent of not deserving to be anywhere.
Depression is who draws the line in the sand and says, "Come step over, belong to me." He is as crafty as his creator who, "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). Depression is a whisperer of things like, "What are you good for?", "Who really loves you?", and, "If God is everywhere why can't you find Him?"
What a genius. What a liar. What an obnoxious, narcissistic, cruel monster. He is not the kind of monster who lives under the bed, quietly hanging by his claws, waiting to enter nightmares. Instead, he is the kind shaped like a worm who nestles into the crevices of my brain inching along the narrow pathways that make up my human psyche. He is at times ravenous, living on self-esteem, gobbling it up as soon as it grows and leaving my thoughts in a pile of self-loathing.
So, how do I stop him?
How does anyone stop a monster that likes to live in unseen places in the brain?
I don't know for sure. But, I have a theory. Talk about him. He doesn't like that. Talk about him a lot. Name him for what he is, an intruder and a deceiver. Embrace the loneliness of your old soul with two hands, look it straight in the face and realize what it is really longing for, and that is Christ.
Fill it with Christ. Seek Him and do not believe the liar when he says you will not find Him. And above all, stop being ashamed. Depression LOVES shame. He likes to bathe himself in shame. He is the enemy of all that is good. Christ is good. Christ is enough. You are enough for Christ to love. I am enough for Christ to love... Boy oh boy, does depression hate to hear that.
He also hates to hear that just because I may be lonesome at times, I really am never alone. I am not alone. YOU are not alone. We are One Body. The Body of our Lord and Savior. Partake of Him. Eat and drink His word. Talk. Believe. Endure. Grow old and catch up with your soul. The soul that belonged to Him all along.
Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11
