He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. – Song of Songs 2:4
In two days, Lord willing, my wife and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. The following weekend, I am scheduled to preach at the wedding of a former Indianola resident, Lucy Lessmann. These events got me wondering: what advice is being given to young people about keeping a marriage together? So, I asked the internet. Some of the advice didn’t sit well with me. The answers felt way too glib.
Here is wisdom from someone who has never been married (an AI bot): “To maintain a lasting and fulfilling marriage, focus on consistent communication, prioritizing your relationship, and fostering a strong friendship with your spouse.” This might sound good, but I believe that it is backwards. Let me break it down:
1) “Focus on consistent communication” literally means that one ought to make communication the center of attention. Somehow, a successful, enduring marriage requires shifting the other person out of focus and replacing the individual with an effort – to communicate consistently. Such a shift might help preserve a marriage, but it does so at the cost of loving the marriage more than the individual. Beyond this emphasis of messaging above personhood, ensuring that communication is “consistent” literally means that status quo is cherished while advancement is discouraged. Instead, couples should value each other and thus grow in their approaches to communication. Of course, maybe the intention was to suggest that all communication ought to be consistent with reality (i.e., not be deceptive), but I have problems with this emphasis as well. In a fallen world, a spouse can be expected to communicate inconsistently sometimes. In such a world – this world – it is more loving to seek understanding than it is to seek consistency. Expect that you are married to a sinner and love that sinner. The Bible tells us to expect inconsistency, to expect sickness and health, to expect richer and poorer, to expect sin and foster reconciliation.
2) “Prioritizing your relationship” is also problematic. My issue here is subtle but I believe worthy of consideration. A married couple ought not see their relationship as an object to be prioritized among other things. Rather, a married couple must see their marriage as their very context for living. Let me demonstrate by depicting what I mean by context: you were created by the God of the universe. You won’t do well to prioritize your relationship with God, as if He deserves a reasonable slice of time from you. Instead, every breath you take and every choice you make ought to be within the context of being loved by your Creator. God is not to be prioritized; He is to be loved and enjoyed at all times. His love is the context of your life. Your spouse deserves the same: love surrendered at all times. Practically, this means that one works, raises children, and ministers to neighbors within the foundational context of one’s marriage. That relationship is not a priority; it’s an overarching reality. Jesus did not say and would not have said, “Make it a priority to love your God and to love your neighbor.” Prioritizing these within a busy schedule is offensive. Simply love them, at all times.
3) “Fostering a strong friendship” sounds nice. But, that’s all it is, nice. The wedding should not be more important than the marriage. The friendship should never be more important than the friend. Spouses have needs and desires that change over time. Instead of fostering strong friendship, one ought to cultivate wonder: “what will bless my spouse?” “what is needed? “what is good?” Wonder is key to a healthy marriage. A common mistake is thinking that you already know what someone else needs. Instead, marriage establishes a context for getting to know someone so intimately that you realize that you require an entire lifetime to know that person completely. Isn’t friendship a path for learning about someone? Sure. But, recognition that the other person is worth getting to know – more and more – is key to any friendship. Moreover, a spouse is not just a friend – the two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Marriage is not just a strong friendship.
Famously, the apostle Paul said, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word” (Ephesians 5:25-26). This is great marriage advice! Communication, priorities, and friendship might be useful concepts. But let’s not miss the core: love your spouse. How do you love? Wonder about and explore real needs, give yourself willingly, and sanctify with Scripture. This is what it takes to really get what marriage is. Maybe you aren’t in the market for marriage advice? I’m talking about Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). His banner is love.
