Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:2
It’s probably irresponsible for me to write in this column about a topic that a) is going to be controversial and b) requires a lot more words than can fit on this page. If I don’t cover it well, you won’t feel edified and you might get irritated. Still, I think that I am aware of an issue that ought to be discussed. Please allow me to share some ideas, even if I’m being irresponsible.
You might be aware that it is common for psychologists to encourage people to set healthy boundaries in their relationships. The advice sounds helpful, after all, a ‘healthy boundary’ is, by definition, healthy. Who would want something to be unhealthy? This ignores two significant challenges: 1) how “healthy” is determined and 2) why setting boundaries would be a priority.
Here’s how Psychology Today summarizes the concept: “Setting boundaries means, first of all, knowing what one wants and expects from the people in their life, and what they’ll accept from them – and then clearly, concisely, and calmly stating those ground rules.”
In the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10), a man is robbed and left in the gutter for dead. Two upstanding citizens cross to the other side of the road in order to avoid him, exercising what they consider healthy boundaries. On the other hand, a Samaritan crossed clear social boundaries to help this unfortunate victim. The Samaritan sacrificed time, money, and reputation in what most people would have thought was a very unhealthy way to help a neighbor. Jesus commends this foreigner for setting aside well-established ethnic boundaries.
Maybe you agree that it is biblical to lay aside boundaries in order to help your neighbor. Here’s another quote from Psychology Today: “Especially when spouses or grandchildren are involved, it can be hard for adult children to set boundaries with their parents, but it is often necessary to do so, for the adult child to maintain independence, keep from being treated like a kid, and avoid having to justify their decisions at every step.” I wonder how this advice aligns with the 5th Commandment: “Honor your father and your mother” (Deuteronomy 5:16).
I am mostly concerned about implications for the boundary setter. First and foremost, it is a shame that adult children would seek independence instead of interdependence. Scripture teaches us to collaborate with others, not seek to separate. Sure, there are examples of unhealthy relationships, but the priority ought to be on biblical reconciliation, not independence. Secondly, I’m not sure what it means for someone to try to prevent his parents from treating him like a child. Adult children ought to respect parents however they communicate. It seems much more likely that the child is insecure and taking things the wrong way while pridefully striving for status. How about having healthy dialogue about this, instead of setting up boundaries? Said the other way around, when people set boundaries, open dialogue is usually the first casualty.
A clever person will argue that healthy dialogue requires healthy boundaries, but this ignores one of the most basic relationship issues: We don’t get to decide what the other person thinks or says. An overbearing parent likely needs help in identifying how to communicate effectively. Blocking discussion is the opposite of progress on the real issues.
I doubt that when Jesus had dinner with tax collectors and prostitutes that He set boundaries – the very willingness to interact was tearing down boundaries. I imagine that He asked them about their sins. If they responded, “Sorry, Lord, I won’t discuss that because it makes me uncomfortable”, a great ministry opportunity would have been lost. Of course people want boundaries in their relationships because this gives them a sense of control. Yet, seeking to control a relationship unilaterally stifles collaboration. Like the Good Samaritan, we must see that loving our neighbor means allowing his problems to become ours. God calls us to rejoice when we see each other’s problems. Covering up issues with allegedly “healthy boundaries” is like crossing to the other side of the road to avoid any pain. I’m not opposed to boundaries. I’m opposed to prideful self-protection at the expense of living in community. The Bible teaches us to tear down boundaries in order to bear one another’s burdens. Prioritize collaboration over boundaries. What about “toxic” relationships? The victim by the side of the road was “toxic” / “unclean” to the Samaraitan. Go and do likewise.
