While this week's focus was originally intended to explore the impact on children who witness domestic violence in their homes, I’d like to take a brief detour. Building on last week’s discussion about how to support a friend or family member experiencing domestic violence, a fellow advocate made an insightful suggestion: it’s equally important to highlight what not to say to someone in an abusive situation.
Too often, even well-meaning comments can come across as judgmental, dismissive, or unintentionally harmful. With that in mind, the following is a list of common phrases that should be avoided when speaking to a domestic violence victim, followed by examples of supportive, empowering things we should say instead.
Things We Should Never Say to a Domestic Violence Victim:
“Why don’t you just leave?”
This implies blame and oversimplifies a complex situation involving fear, finances, children, trauma bonding, and safety risks.
“I would never let someone treat me like that.”
This statement can come across as judgmental and shaming, creating distance and discouraging trust.
“Are you sure it’s that bad?”
This questions the victim’s reality and can make them second-guess their experience.
“You must be doing something to provoke them.”
This is blatant victim-blaming and deeply harmful.
“It’s your responsibility to protect your kids.”
While well-intended, this can make the victim feel even more guilt and pressure.
“If you stay, you must not really want help.”
Many victims stay for reasons that are not always visible to outsiders. Support shouldn’t be conditional.
Things We Should Say to a Domestic Violence Victim:
“I believe you.”
Simple and validating. It lets the person know they are heard and trusted
“You don’t deserve this.”
Reinforces that abuse is never the victim’s fault.
“I’m here for you, whenever you need me.”
Creates a safe and open door for support, on their timeline.
“You are not alone.”
Isolation is a powerful tool used by abusers. Reminding them they’re not alone counters that.
“There’s help available when you’re ready.”
Acknowledges the importance of readiness and autonomy.
“It’s not your fault.”
Survivors often internalize blame. This reassurance can be crucial.
“How can I support you right now?”
Centers the survivor’s needs and avoids pushing your own agenda.
NEXT WEEK: What effect does domestic violence have on children who witness abuse in their homes?
